Tag Archives for caregiving

Surviving, even thriving, when caring for a person with Alzheimer’s

Published in RINewsToday on March 3, 2025

Last Wednesday, Colleen Kelly Mellor, author and former feature writer for the Providence Journal, captivated a crowd at the Coventry Library with a talk about her caregiving journey. In her inspiring presentation, Mellor shared how she not only survived but thrived while caring for her husband, who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease.

Mellor, 79, has had a multifaceted career—raising two daughters, teaching school for over 30 years, and working as a realtor for nine years. The prolific writer is no stranger to seeing the devastating impacts of Alzheimer’s. Her father, two brothers and two cousins died of the cognitive disease.  And for the past 15 years, she has been her husband’s primary caregiver. For 13 of those years, she single-handedly managed his care, from ensuring he attended doctor’s appointments to overseeing his medications.  

This journey led her to write her latest book, Az and Me: A Partner’s Journey with Alzheimer’s.

The 284-page book, published last May, is a must-read for America’s caregivers. “The caregiving journey was so demanding, I felt compelled to write a book about what I learned—something that could help others,” Mellor explained. “I want to make sure they don’t repeat the mistakes I made, especially when I was uninformed, like not knowing about veteran benefits.”

What is the core message of Az and Me? Mellor stresses the importance of caregivers taking care of themselves. “Caregivers need to prioritize their own well-being, just like the airlines say: put the mask on yourself first, then on your child,” she says, adding that her book provides caregivers with the tools they need to do just that.

The Caregiver Journey Begins

“You can step out of the wreckage of your life’s journey,” Mellor encourages. “Keep stepping forward—even when you don’t want to and can’t see any change for the better. It will come if you persist.”

Mellor knows firsthand what that perseverance looks like. She admits that when her partner, Paul Wesley Gates, was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, she was unsure of what it truly meant to be a caregiver. But her message to caregivers, shared during last week’s library talk, was clear: find your footing and keep moving forward.

Mellor acknowledges that she paid the price for being uninformed. “I was one of those caregivers,” she says. Seven years ago, Mellor suffered a herniated disc and became disabled. At that time, she had no support system in place to help care for her husband, a 20-year career military veteran with Alzheimer’s. As she received medical treatment, she had to bring Paul to her appointments and medical tests because she had no support. “I prayed he’d still be sitting in the waiting room when I came out,” she recalled. During this period, Mellor had to place her husband in a care facility for a brief time. The cost? $8,000. Despite initially planning to keep him there for a month, Mellor pulled him out after just four days. The services promised to her were never delivered.

Through this experience, Mellor learned a valuable lesson: the importance of understanding available benefits. “I was paying full price for day care when I could have used my husband’s veteran benefits, which would’ve covered three of the four days,” she said. “No one—no doctor, social worker, or even facility—told me about the benefits he was entitled to,” Mellor added. “He could have stayed at a Vet-approved facility for free because of his military service, and I could have received respite care.”

For the past two years, Mellor has been visiting Paul, now 83, at the Veterans Home in Bristol. She and Paul married at her daughter’s home in East Greenwich last December so that, according to federal rules, she could be buried with her husband in Rhode Island’s Veterans Memorial Cemetery.  

A Guide for America’s Caregivers

Mellor is an advocate at heart, which is reflected in all of her self-published books. “I’m an advocate for people,” she says. In her children’s books, Grandpa and the Truck (Books 1 & 2), Mellor highlights the important role of truckers in our daily lives. In Boomerrrang, her real estate background shines through as she cautions people about buying and selling property. And in Az and Me, she champions the cause of caregivers and veterans.

Her Alzheimer’s book is easy to read, with super short chapters (just 1-2 pages). It’s meant to reach out to caregivers and share her journey, as well as provide practical tips to avoid the mistakes she made. Through her book and group presentations in Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Massachusetts, Mellor helps caregivers avoid pitfalls while navigating the demanding role of care provider.

Mellor shares snapshots of her and her husband’s life, highlighting the challenges they faced and offering practical strategies she used to cope with the stresses of caregiving. In her book, she explains how to determine eligibility for Veterans’ benefits and what those benefits cover. She also advises hiring a certified elder law attorney if needed, someone who understands the complexities of Medicaid eligibility, nursing home admissions, Medicare, Social Security, guardianship, and estate planning.

In her book, Mellor offers several practical tips for managing the challenges of caregiving. For example, when caring for someone with short-term memory loss, she suggests dressing your loved one in bright, easily visible colors. This makes it easier to spot them if they wander. She also recommends giving them a fake handbag or billfold, rather than the real deal, so you can easily access important medical documents. Mellor also shares tips on how to handle tough decisions, like when it’s time to take away the keys to the car. It’s one of the hardest decisions, she admits, but it’s necessary when it’s no longer safe for them to drive.

She advises caregivers to join an Alzheimer’s support group, choose a doctor they feel comfortable with, and divide caregiving responsibilities among family members. “A son can take Dad to his regular haircut appointment, then they can go out for lunch,” Mellor suggests.

Finally, she encourages caregivers to find moments of humor throughout the experience. “Laughter can be a lifesaver,” she says.Mellor likens her book to a box of chocolates: some pieces are sweet, others not so much—but all are essential. “There’s humor in it because my mission is to help caregivers cope and even thrive, not just survive,” she says.

In the end, Mellor sees Az and Me as a love story—one that shows how she and her husband found joy, even in the face of his debilitating disease.

To purchase Az and Me: A Partner’s Journey with Alzheimer’s ($20) or for more details about scheduling a speaking engagement, go to colleenkellymellor.com or call 401-480-3403.  

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Creating an understanding of the richness and diversity of aging 

Published in RINewsToday on October 7, 2024

For years, media managers have clung to the erroneous notion that advertising sales are primarily driven by millennials, holding the mistaken belief that older consumers on fixed incomes are less receptive to purchasing new products.

As a result, these media outlets—whether print or digital, broadcast, or podcast – have often provided insufficient coverage on issues relevant to our aging population. But age bias still exists in some newspapers, electronic media and the internet. 

Yet, with the undeniable graying of America, the increasing number of older adults including Boomers and their older siblings in the Silent Generation with the first Gen Xers now reaching their 60s, continue to rely on reading newspapers to better understand the complex and evolving landscape of aging. 

But recent shifts have occurred as reporters and editors, many of whom are themselves (or have been) midlife caregivers for aging parents or in-laws, including this writer, have uncovered the vast, under-reported stories on aging. Personal experiences have given them the insight and understanding necessary to address these topics with greater depth and balance.

For over 44 years, I have had the joy and responsibility of writing about aging—about the issues that shape our lives as we grow older and also about the opportunities that come with age. Like many of my fellow “age beat” writers and reporters, I have the distinct perspective of being over 70 years old myself. This vantage point informs not just how I write, but what I write, because I know firsthand the challenges and triumphs that come with aging,

Over the years, I have had the honor of sharing the stories of so many Rhode Islanders aged 50 and over who have shared their wisdom, resilience, and humor. Their experiences may be local, but the lessons are universal. Whether writing about policy debates or spiritual reflection, I have aimed to offer a balanced perspective—one that recognizes both the challenges and the immense potential that come with aging.  Through my writings I strive to stand among well-informed journalists covering the age beat, who are more known and maybe better writers, and are informing readers about the Longevity Revolution, with all of its challenges and implications, both positive and challenging.

Through my work, published on RINewsToday, a state-wide news site (in the Pawtucket Times and Woonsocket Call, or  compiled in my books, Taking Charge Volumes 1, 2, and now 3 in the works, I have sought to offer readers practical advice for navigating the later stages of life. From care giving and retirement planning to end-of-life decisions and everything in between, my goal has always been to empower individuals to take control of their own aging journey. Aging is not something to be feared, but rather embraced as an opportunity to live more fully.

Books Give Tips on Aging Boldly

I am pleased to announce that Vol. 3, like my two previous volumes (Taking Charge: Collected Stories on Aging Boldly and Taking Charge: Vol. 2, More Stories on Aging Boldly), will shortly be published by West Warwick-based Stillwater River Publications.

In these volumes, I have compiled a selection of my most impactful weekly commentaries, spanning a variety of aging-related subjects. Each article, listing the date it was published, drawn from my published works provides practical insights and advice for those over age 50. 

Although some of the content may reflect aging issues, research results, study and poll findings and legislative policy debates from years past, the insights are relevant and informative. The stories, while often localize to Rhode Island, contain universal truths applicable across the nation. They reflect the experiences of individuals who share their wisdom on various aspects of aging, from health and finances to relationships and personal fulfillment.

As we continue to advance in age, the opportunities to enhance our lives are more abundant and accessible than ever before. My weekly commentaries that you read on this statewide news site aim to empower readers to take charge of their aging process, embracing the challenges and opportunities it presents with confidence and grace.

Through my  editorial “bully pulpit” in my weekly commentaries and continued efforts, I hope to continue contributing to a greater understanding and appreciation of the richness and diversity of aging. 

To the seniors of Rhode Island, you are my inspiration. Every story I’ve written, every article I’ve published, has been with you in mind. I hope that, through my writing, I’ve been able to shed some light on the issues that matter most to you and to provide some guidance along the way.

I am grateful for the opportunity to continue contributing to this important conversation. But my work is far from over. The aging population is growing, and with it, the need for thoughtful, informed journalism that addresses the complexities of aging.

I thank my readers of RINewsToday for joining me on this journey. May the insights in my commentaries inspire and support you as you navigate your own path to a fulfilling and vibrant later life.

Please take advantage of the opportunity to leave me (and us) a comment, below. We are open to topic suggestions, reactions or personal reflections on the aging challenge.

The crafting of Rhode Island’s first State Plan on Caregiving

Published on February 28, 2022 in Rhode Island News Today

Rhode Island has the distinction of having one of the highest percentages of adults aged 85 and over in the country. In 2017, out of a population of 1,060,00 there are more than 136,000 caregivers providing 114 million hours of care, says AARP Rhode Island.  More Rhode Islanders will be thrust into caregiving roles in the coming years.

In response to the continued aging of Rhode Island’s population, the Rhode Island Office of Healthy Aging (OHA) and Family Caregiver Alliance of Rhode Island officially released Rhode Island’s first State Plan on Caregiving.  The state’s new Plan for Caregivers serves as the framework for the crafting and implementation of new policies, as well as the expansion of various existing programs and partnerships to assist caregivers. The Plan serves to strengthen and advance the shared mission of OHA and the Family Caregiver Alliance of Rhode Island at the United Way (FCARI)  to promote choice, independence, empowerment, and the overall well-being of older adults, individuals with disabilities, and their caregivers.  FCARI is supported with funds from OHA.

As an advocate for caregivers throughout the state, The FCARI serves as the administrator of the 29-page Plan which extends through Sept. 2023. 

A Call for Supporting Rhode Island’s Caregivers

“The COVID-19 crisis has exacerbated many of the challenges faced by our older adults and their caregivers, particularly social isolation,” said Interim Director Michelle Szylin announcing the release of this report on Sept 24, 2021. “Caregivers have a tough job and often receive little support. Through the development of this State Plan, we’re showing our commitment to strengthening resources available for our caregivers and better supporting the important work they do across our state,” she says.

Adds Maryam Attarpour, Program Manager, Family Caregiver Alliance of Rhode Island at the UWRI, “Caregiving has been and will always be a major part of the fabric of our society.” Attarpour says that the new State plan puts the needs of family caregivers first. “Our goal is to create a state that is equitable, inclusive, and supportive of our family caregivers, and the loved-ones they care for,” she says.

According to the statement, the State Plan on Caregiving also builds on the state’s existing efforts to meet the needs of Rhode Island caregivers of any age.  It provides an overview of the existing support network available for family caregivers to access as well as addresses the work that remains to ensure equitable access to resources and advocacy. 

One of the key areas of support that the plan focuses on is developing a comprehensive, robust website and social media presence for FCARI that will serve as a hub of information for resources and information for caregivers. It will also ensure diversity, equity, and inclusion for Rhode Island Caregivers and those for whom they care, too.

The State Plan will also ensure that the caregivers of Rhode Island seeking long term services and supports are identified and provided with information assistance and advance  opportunities for digital access (iPads, notebooks, computers and phones) to better serve and support Rhode Island Caregivers.

Over the years, the Rhode Island General Assembly has worked closely with aging advocates to enhance supports and resources for the state’s caregivers.  The State Plan calls on lawmakers to review existing laws to determine if they need to be refined or better funded.  It also suggests that legislation that has been submitted and not passed as well as laws and policies from other states be reviewed for “relevancy for supporting Rhode Island family caregivers.

Putting a Face on Family Caregivers

On Feb. 15th, Maureen Maigret, Chair of the state’s Long-Term Care Coordinating Council’s Aging in Community Subcommittee, told members of the Rhode Island House Oversight Subcommittee on Aging & Senior Services, the importance of hammering out sound policy to support the state’s growing number of caregivers.

Maigret painted a picture of the typical care recipient, citing the 2020 Report, Caregiving in the U.S., to the attending House lawmakers. “Eighty nine percent of the care recipients are a relative, with 50% being either a parent or parent-in-law, spouse/partner (12%), grandparent/grandparent-in-law (8%), sibling/sibling-in-law (7%), adult child (6%) or nonrelative (10%), she said, noting that the average care recipient’s age is 68.9.

While 61% of the caregivers are women, 39% are men, adds Maigret, noting that 61% are white, 14% African American and 17% Hispanic.  The age of most caregivers falls between ages 60-65, says Maigret, noting that younger adults also find themselves having to provide caregiving chores.  Twenty-four percent of persons ages 18-34 and 23% of person’s ages 35-49.

It’s not easy to be a caregiver, says Maigret. She warned that caregivers should be considered “the hidden patient” because they are at risk for becoming depressed, extremely fatigued, stressed, feeling overwhelmed, being socially isolated, losing income and having physical health problems.

Maigret’s presentation was followed by a panel led by Acting OHA Director, Michelle Szylin, and her staff who provided information on programs OHA offers to assist caregivers including subsidized respite, home care and adult day services and special pilots to support those caring persons with Alzheimer’s disease.

“Although our legislature and Governor have been supportive of funding programs to support caregivers, the growth of our older population means more persons will need to become caregivers,” said Maigret. “We need better state programs and services to provide physical, emotional and financial support, and enhanced access to information about available resources,” she said.

Maigret adds: “There is also an urgent need to address the direct care worker crisis by providing the workers with fair and competitive wages.  Many caregivers need to supplement the services they provide with paid caregivers if they are in the workforce, or need to take care of other family needs. Yet due to the low wages paid for personal care workers, it is not always possible to find such help.”

For a copy of the State Plan on Caregiving go to https://fcari.org/state-plan-on-caregiving/