Tag Archives for AARP

Internet Sex Survey Sheds Light on What’s “Normal” in Relationships

Published in Pawtucket Times, February 8, 2013

Just after the little blue tablet, Viagra, endorsed on television commercials by a former Senate majority leader and former presidential contender Bob Dole in the late 1990s, the prescription wonder drug for those with erectile dysfunction in later life literally became the talk of the town.

We began to talk a little bit more openly about our sexuality, joking about the miraculous powers of the Viagra, including Cialis and Levitra, probably with the intent to relieve our own personal discomfort of the taboo topic of sex.

But even today, this columnist still hears snickers from those who believe that older persons are asexual, and that sex is of no interest to them in their twilight years. It’s a myth, experts say, their observations supported by a recently published book and a decade worth of AARP studies on sexual attitude and practices.

Creating a New Normal for Your Relationship

Based on data obtained on the internet from nearly 70,000 respondents from the United States and around the world (with significant numbers of returns coming from China, Spain, Italy, France, England, Australia, Philippines, Hungary, Brazil, and Canada), last Wednesday Random House released, The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D, Love and Relationship Ambassador for AARP, a Sociologist who teaches at University of Washington, and her coauthors, wellness entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrup and Dr. James Witte, Ph.D., a Sociologist who serves as Director of the Center for Social Science Research at George Mason University, teamed up to design a very unique interactive internet survey that would draw relationship data from around the world.

The researchers partnered with AARP, American on Line, the Huffington Post and Reader’s Digest, who encouraged tens of thousands to take the project’s innovative internet survey.

Dr. Schwartz and her co-researchers, took a look at what constitutes “normal” behavior among happy couples and outlined what steps you should take if that “normal” is one you want to strive for. They believe that their study gives the “clearest picture yet of how well couples are communicating, romancing each other, satisfying each other in the bedroom, sharing financial responsibilities, and staying faithful.”

Since the Normal Bar survey methodology sorts for age and gender, racial and geographic differences and sexual preferences, the authors were able to reveal, for example, what happens to passion as we grow older, which gender wants what when it comes to sex, the factors that spur marital combat, how kids figure in, how being gay or bisexual turns out to be both different and the same, and –regardless of background — the tiny habits that drive partners absolutely batty.

The book provides revelations to the reader, from the unexpected popularity of certain sexual positions, to the average number of times happy – and unhappy — couples kiss, to the prevalence of lying, to the surprising loyalty most men and women feel for their partner (even when in a deteriorating relationship), to the vivid and idiosyncratic ways individuals of different ages, genders and nationalities describe their “ideal romantic evening.”

Much more than a peek behind the relationship curtain, The Normal Bar offers readers an array of prescriptive tools that will help them establish a “new normal” in their relationships. Mindful of what keeps couples stuck in ruts, the book’s authors suggest practical and life-changing ways for couples to break cycles of disappointment and frustration.

AARP Article Zeros in On Older Couples

The Normal bar survey findings in this recently released book, drawn from responses of 8,000 survey respondents who are over age 50, were published in the February/March issue of AARP The Magazine in an article, penned by Northrup, Drs. Schwartz and Witte, entitled Sex at 50+: What’s Normal? Among the findings reported in this AARP article:

Thirty two percent of men and 48% of woman do not hug their partner in public. The researchers believe that public displays of affection (PDA) positive impact relationships. Sixty eight percent now showing PDA are unhappy or slightly happy with their partner. A whopping 73% of the happiest couples can’t keep their hands off each other in public and do so at least once a month.

Meanwhile, 78% of the couples admit they hold hands at least some of the time. However it seems to be the younger pairs, because among all the couples who have been together for over 10 years, more than half say they no longer hold hands.

“I love you,” just three little words said often may just spice up your relationship. The researchers found that among the happiest couples, 85% of both men and woman said those words at least once a week. It’s a male thing – more than 90% of men tell their partner “I love you” regularly while only 58% of the woman do so.

The researchers found that 74% of the happiest couples will give their partner a passionate smooch. Thirty-eight percent of all age 50 plus couples do not passionately kiss. Kissing can be the connector between each partner, note the researchers.

Thirty-one percent of the aging baby boomer couples have sex several times a week while only 28% have sex a couple of times a month. Around 8% have sex just one time a month.

Forty-seven percent of woman praise their partner’s appearance regularly in comparison to 55% of men. The study’s findings reveal that praise is important for a couple’s happiness.

Thirty-two percent of the couples give a thumbs down to date nights. Eighty-eight percent of the happiest couples spend time alone together. The researchers recommend that you go out twice a month to “maintain the sense of closeness.”

Thirty-three percent of the respondents report they rarely or never have sex. However, even among the happiest couples, a whopping one-fourth don’t do it.

Dr. Schwartz believes that the most important observation made from the study is that sexuality is important throughout one’s lifespan. “People have to take care of their relationship and not put it on automatic pilot,” she says.

Bringing Sexuality Out of the Closet

With the graying of America’s population, it is now time to bring senior sexuality out of the closet. We must accept the fact that sexuality continues throughout the human life-span, and encompasses more than just intimate sexual intercourse. It also includes cuddling, a tender kiss, a light touch on the shoulder, or holding hands, as noted in The Normal Bar.

A well-known song, “As Time Goes By,” reminds us sexuality is to be experienced by both young and old. “You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, the fundamental things apply, as time goes by.”

For more info about The Normal Bar, to take the Normal Bar survey or to purchase the book, go to http://www.thenormalbar.com.

Herb Weiss, LRI ’12, is a Pawtucket-based freelance writer covering aging, health care and medical issues. He can be reached at hweissri@aol.com.

Older Voters Talk Turkey to Congress

Printed October 26, 2012, Pawtucket Times 

            Even the Presidential election less than two weeks away, registered voters across the nation should exercise their Democratic right to vote.  Since the beginning of July local and state political candidates attended hundreds of public events scattered throughout the OceanState, passing out campaign literature, putting up signs throughout their legislative districts, along with distributing bumper stickers to promote their candidacy on their supporter’s vehicles. .

             During this current election cycle AARP moved to push Congress to address the major issues surrounding Social Security and Medicare, gathering opinions from millions of Americans in thousands of communities across the nation. 

            “People of all ages and across party lines believe Medicare and Social Security are critical to the health and retirement security of older Americans and yet all voters are hearing from the candidates about these programs are attack ads and 30-second sound bites,” says AARP Rhode Island State Director Kathleen S. Connell. “The next President and Congress could determine the future of Social Security and Medicare. Voters want and deserve to know where the candidates stand.”

Setting the Record Straight. 

            Last March, AARP, the nation’s largest aging advocacy group and its state groups, unrolled a new initiative to educate voters about the nation’s two largest domestic programs, Social Security and Medicare and to gather their thoughts to forward to decision makers inside the Washington Beltway.  

            Following its national headquarters’ lead, AARP Rhode Island geared up its final phase of its “You’ve Earned a Say,” initiative, an effort to gather grassroots feedback from “Outside the Beltway” to bring to Congressional lawmakers as they continue their heated debates as to how to bolster the solvency of the nation’s Social Security and Medicare programs.  The educational initiative was created to fuel conversations at the state and national levels to ensure that workers in every state, who have faithfully contributed into Medicare and Social Security Programs, had a direct say in the future reforms of these programs.

            AARP Rhode Island reached out to 130,000 Rhode Island members and its Washington, DC headquarters, to nearly 40 million members to raise awareness of the “You’ve Earned a Say” initiative.  It’s website, www.earnedasay.org, provided both factual and straightforward information as to policies that are being considered and enabled a person to share their ideas with Congress and those running against Congressional incumbents, as how to strengthen these programs. 

            So far, AARP’s educational initiative brought over 3 million people into this conversation on Medicare and Social Security and held over 3,000 events.  At the local level, AARP Rhode Island staff met over 4,000 aging baby boomers and seniors who shared their concerns about the future of these programs. 

            According to Connell, AARP’s “You’ve Earned a Say” initiative was created to bring balanced information to voters — both the pros and the cons — about the policy options being debated during the upcoming Presidential and Congressional elections for both programs. 

            Earlier in this summer, AARP released a series of national surveys on the opinions of voters ages 50 and over, which found that these voters overwhelmingly think the candidates have not done a good job of explaining their plans on Social Security (67%) and Medicare (63%). Voters 50-plus – across party lines – say that getting more information on the candidates’ plans on Social Security (72%) and Medicare (70%) will help them determine their vote on Election Day on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.

            Through the reports and ongoing You’ve Earned a Say events, AARP worked hard to elevate the voices of Rhode Island voters and provide them with nonpartisan information about candidates’ positions on issues important to aging baby boomers and seniors.  In August, AARP launched the “You’ve Earned a Say: Vote for Retirement Security” 2012 Voters’ Guides featuring information from presidential, senatorial and congressional candidates – in their own words – on their own specific plans to strengthen Social Security, Medicare and financial security.

            This week, AARP Rhode Island volunteers delivered a 10 page report entitled “Rhode Islanders Have Their Say about Medicare and Social Security” to Rhode Island Members of Congress and congressional candidates.  The state-specific report conveys the opinions of over 2,100 Rhode Islanders who have participated in the AARP initiative.  National and state-specific versions of the report were also delivered to both presidential and congressional candidates in every state, as well as sitting lawmakers, so they could hear directly from their constituents about their views of how to strengthen these vital domestic programs. 

A Rhode Island Snap Shot

            Out of  2,182 respondents, 32 percent believe Social Security is “okay as is,” followed by 26 percent who only saw a need for minor fixes.    Twenty three percent of those responding believed that Congress must make major changes to the program with 19 percent seeing this domestic program in “a state of crisis.”

            As to Medicare, 26 percent of the respondents say that Medicare “is ok as is” followed by 28 believing that only minor policy fixes are need to keep it solvent.  However, a whopping 31 percent believes major changes are needed to fix Medicare, followed by 15 percent saying Medicare is in “a state of crisis.”

            Twenty eight percent say that they expect the benefits from participating in Social Security and Medicare will equal the contributions they paid while 28 percent will get less benefits.  Forty four percent believe that they might get more back from these two programs the same that they contributed.

            Thirty six percent of the respondents say that more funding is needed to maintain the same benefits while 13 percent fear that benefits will be slashed.  Forty percent expect more funding is needed to shore up the program, but expecting a cut in benefits.  Twelve percent have no opinion.

            Finally, ninety one percent of the respondents want their voice heard by Washington policy makers but 47 percent do not expect it will make a difference.  Nine percent are not interested in getting involved.

            The majority of respondents (51 percent)  called for some changes to be made now, but suggested that Congress should wait before making major changes.  They (35 percent) also believed that higher paid workers aren’t paying enough into the Social Security program and that the program should become solvent before bettered benefit are paid out (68 percent).

            Additionally, the majority (70 percent) also called for a balanced approach when making revenue and benefit changes to ensure there is retirement benefits to future retirees. Fifty five percent also supported upper income workers get higher benefits because they contributed more into the system.

            Most of the respondents (48 percent) also suggested that Congress move slow in making major changes to Medicare, only making small fixes now.   Thirty six percent  believe that the biggest challenge facing Medicare is rising health care costs.  Seventy five percent agreed that all future retirees continue to get guaranteed coverage and care as those get now.  As with Social Security, a majority (62 percent) also called for a balanced approach when making revenue and benefit changes to ensure Medicare is available to future retirees.  Forty four percent say that premiums and funding from the genera federal revenues should not be used to cover increased health care costs.

            Voting may be more difficult in this heated partisan political campaign where voters must learn to separate political rhetoric and negative innuendoes from the substance of issues.  AARP’s “You’ve Earned a Say” initiative is a successful attempt to give back power to voters, helping them become more knowledgeable about Social Security and Medicare in order to rise above negative campaigning.  Your vote must be made by understanding the facts and not be influenced by the fiction of negative attack ads.

            Herb Weiss is a Pawtucket-based freelance writer who covers aging, health care and medical issues.  He can be reached at hweissri@aol.com.

Tale of Two Caregivers

Published October 5, 2012, Pawtucket Times

           Being a caregiver to an older parent while raising children has now become the new rite of passage for aging baby boomers who, by the millions, are moving into their middle age years and beyond. Often called the sandwich generation for having care responsibilities at both ends of the age spectrum, these individuals become emotionally challenged, physically drained in their attempts to cope and juggle a multitude of tasks.

             According to National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, more than 65 million persons, 29% of the nation’s population, provide care for a chronically ill, disabled, older family member or relative during any given year. The caregiver spends an average of 20 hours per week providing care for their loved ones.

 Taking on New Care giving Responsibilities

           Over seven years ago, Catherine Taylor, 51, the State’s Director of the Department of Elderly Affairs, and her husband, Rob, a practicing attorney, found themselves thrust into this new very demanding role with huge responsibilities. Like many others, the couple took on the demanding role of being caregivers of an elderly parent while juggling the intense domestic demands of taking care of four children, whose ages ranged from 3 years old to age 15.

           The Providence couple was now sharing the care of a very independent 83-year-old widow, who at that time resided in her home in Connecticut, one that she had designed. The older woman still continued to practice as an architect until her health began to rapidly steep decline.    

          In 1995, “We moved her back to Rhode Island six months before she died when she became too infirm to live independently in her home,” remembered Catherine.  

        Catherine wanted her mother-in-law to move in with her family, “but she was just too independent for that,” she said.  Her husband’s mother would ultimately choose to live out her final days in an apartment at a senior living facility on Providence’s Eastside, near the Taylor’s home. 

         As is the case with many caregivers who relocated their loved ones to live close by, packing, scheduling the move, and getting the Connecticut house ready for sale became the first chore of being a caregiver, notes Catherine.   

         According to Catherine, becoming a caregiver while working and raising a large family was incredibly hectic. “Many times we had to be in two or three places at one time,” each day.  Catherine adjusted her work schedule to help her mother-in-law with activities of daily living such as dressing, assisting in going to the bathroom, and feeding, take her to the emergency room or stay with her in the hospital, while wanting to be at home cooking her family dinner, and helping her children do their homework.

 Tips on Coping for Caregivers

            The couple juggled their roles as parents, caregivers and employees as best they could.  For instance, “our oldest child would be charged with watching his younger siblings”, Catherine says.  When visiting her mother-in-law to cook and assist her with eating, Catherine brought the youngest along to the senior living facility, and placed him in a portable playpen next to the kitchen table. Catherine, her husband and his sister, would divvy up cooking chores, each one take responsibility for making either breakfast, lunch or dinner.

           Supplemental care, provided by a home health aide, was especially needed when the aging baby boomer couple had to be at work.   

          While taxing for the entire family, care giving did have a positive impact on Catherine’s children.  “It really impressed on them how our family pulled together,” she said, noting “that it made them feel useful because they had specific jobs to perform to keep the family running.”    

           When asked if she got enough respite care for herself, Catherine quipped, “I never get enough!”  She added, “For us being part of a large nuclear family, also having a large extended family, we were able to trade off with each other.  But a lot of people don’t have that option,” she notes.  One of the hardest things about being a primary caregiver is how alone you can feel, Catherine said. “You’re living a different life from most other people.  You watch other families make snap decisions to go to the movies, and just hop in their car and go.  For you to do the same thing, the logistics tend to be like the invasion of Normandy.  You just have to go through so much organizing to have simple pleasures that other people don’t think twice about”.

          “Most family caregivers look like they are doing fine and think they are doing fine, but family, friends and neighbors, and sometimes community agencies, need to check in and give them a break so they care recharge their batteries.”

          Catherine suggests that caregivers maintain their relationships with friends and colleagues as hard as that is to do so they will look in on you, stop by for coffee, bring you dinner and help recharge you.  “This will allow you to keep doing your care giving job with love.”

 Double Duty as a Caregiver

          Sixty-four-year-old, Kathy Heren, Rhode Island’s Long-Term Care Ombudsman, a licensed practical nurse and caregiver, and her husband, John, 63, a chef, slipped into the care giving in the mid-1990s, watching out for two elder family members at the same time, a 72-year- old mother and her 78-year-old uncle.

          Both frail relatives (one had dementia and the other a heart condition) lived independently in their homes located in East Providence and on the Eastside. “Being Irish, they were both very stubborn in accepting assistance,” the aging advocate remembered. While professionally helping others cope with care giving and long-term care issues, Rhode Island’s Ombudsman had to carve out time to personally perform chores for her two frail family members. Chores included shopping, paying bills, and cleaning their houses.   Scheduling and transportation to doctor appointments and med management took additional time away from her very demanding job and family duties.

            When dealing with her Mother’s finances became just too difficult, Kathy, along with her sister, filed for guardianship.  “If you realize that there are some things you just can’t control, then seek outside services or assistance,” she recommended.  

           “Depending on personality of the person you are taking care of you may have to just step away from being a caregiver, if it impacts on your health,” she says.  “It may become the right time to turn to a nursing home or home care services, to take care of your frail family member.”

           “Make sure you turn to respite care if needed because it is always available”, Kathy suggests.  “You need to know when to seek out this assistance and go on a trip to recharge your batteries. When taking care of your loved one, do not forget your own health, family, or nutrition,” she says. .

 Seeking Respite Care Programs

             Rhode Island will receive $250,000 under the federal Lifespan Respite Care Act to support families caring for aging or disabled individuals with special needs, increasing access to short-term, or respite care. This relief offers family members temporary breaks from the daily routine and stress of providing care to loved ones with special needs.

             You can get information about respite care programs and resources available to care givers by calling by calling the Rhode Island Department of Human Services, Division of Elderly Affairs at (401) 462-3000, or you can go to www.dea.ri.gov. TTY users can call (401) 462-0740.

             The Rhode Island State Ombudsman, at the Alliance for Better Long-Term Care, monitors the quality of the Rhode Island’s nursing homes, assisted living facilities, home health agencies and hospice services, and address issues of elder abuse, guardianship, neglect and financial exploitation.  For more information, call  (401)785-3340.

             Herb Weiss is a Pawtucket-based freelance writer covering aging, health care and medical issues.