Category Archives for Relationships

Internet Sex Survey Sheds Light on What’s “Normal” in Relationships

Published in Pawtucket Times, February 8, 2013

Just after the little blue tablet, Viagra, endorsed on television commercials by a former Senate majority leader and former presidential contender Bob Dole in the late 1990s, the prescription wonder drug for those with erectile dysfunction in later life literally became the talk of the town.

We began to talk a little bit more openly about our sexuality, joking about the miraculous powers of the Viagra, including Cialis and Levitra, probably with the intent to relieve our own personal discomfort of the taboo topic of sex.

But even today, this columnist still hears snickers from those who believe that older persons are asexual, and that sex is of no interest to them in their twilight years. It’s a myth, experts say, their observations supported by a recently published book and a decade worth of AARP studies on sexual attitude and practices.

Creating a New Normal for Your Relationship

Based on data obtained on the internet from nearly 70,000 respondents from the United States and around the world (with significant numbers of returns coming from China, Spain, Italy, France, England, Australia, Philippines, Hungary, Brazil, and Canada), last Wednesday Random House released, The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D, Love and Relationship Ambassador for AARP, a Sociologist who teaches at University of Washington, and her coauthors, wellness entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrup and Dr. James Witte, Ph.D., a Sociologist who serves as Director of the Center for Social Science Research at George Mason University, teamed up to design a very unique interactive internet survey that would draw relationship data from around the world.

The researchers partnered with AARP, American on Line, the Huffington Post and Reader’s Digest, who encouraged tens of thousands to take the project’s innovative internet survey.

Dr. Schwartz and her co-researchers, took a look at what constitutes “normal” behavior among happy couples and outlined what steps you should take if that “normal” is one you want to strive for. They believe that their study gives the “clearest picture yet of how well couples are communicating, romancing each other, satisfying each other in the bedroom, sharing financial responsibilities, and staying faithful.”

Since the Normal Bar survey methodology sorts for age and gender, racial and geographic differences and sexual preferences, the authors were able to reveal, for example, what happens to passion as we grow older, which gender wants what when it comes to sex, the factors that spur marital combat, how kids figure in, how being gay or bisexual turns out to be both different and the same, and –regardless of background — the tiny habits that drive partners absolutely batty.

The book provides revelations to the reader, from the unexpected popularity of certain sexual positions, to the average number of times happy – and unhappy — couples kiss, to the prevalence of lying, to the surprising loyalty most men and women feel for their partner (even when in a deteriorating relationship), to the vivid and idiosyncratic ways individuals of different ages, genders and nationalities describe their “ideal romantic evening.”

Much more than a peek behind the relationship curtain, The Normal Bar offers readers an array of prescriptive tools that will help them establish a “new normal” in their relationships. Mindful of what keeps couples stuck in ruts, the book’s authors suggest practical and life-changing ways for couples to break cycles of disappointment and frustration.

AARP Article Zeros in On Older Couples

The Normal bar survey findings in this recently released book, drawn from responses of 8,000 survey respondents who are over age 50, were published in the February/March issue of AARP The Magazine in an article, penned by Northrup, Drs. Schwartz and Witte, entitled Sex at 50+: What’s Normal? Among the findings reported in this AARP article:

Thirty two percent of men and 48% of woman do not hug their partner in public. The researchers believe that public displays of affection (PDA) positive impact relationships. Sixty eight percent now showing PDA are unhappy or slightly happy with their partner. A whopping 73% of the happiest couples can’t keep their hands off each other in public and do so at least once a month.

Meanwhile, 78% of the couples admit they hold hands at least some of the time. However it seems to be the younger pairs, because among all the couples who have been together for over 10 years, more than half say they no longer hold hands.

“I love you,” just three little words said often may just spice up your relationship. The researchers found that among the happiest couples, 85% of both men and woman said those words at least once a week. It’s a male thing – more than 90% of men tell their partner “I love you” regularly while only 58% of the woman do so.

The researchers found that 74% of the happiest couples will give their partner a passionate smooch. Thirty-eight percent of all age 50 plus couples do not passionately kiss. Kissing can be the connector between each partner, note the researchers.

Thirty-one percent of the aging baby boomer couples have sex several times a week while only 28% have sex a couple of times a month. Around 8% have sex just one time a month.

Forty-seven percent of woman praise their partner’s appearance regularly in comparison to 55% of men. The study’s findings reveal that praise is important for a couple’s happiness.

Thirty-two percent of the couples give a thumbs down to date nights. Eighty-eight percent of the happiest couples spend time alone together. The researchers recommend that you go out twice a month to “maintain the sense of closeness.”

Thirty-three percent of the respondents report they rarely or never have sex. However, even among the happiest couples, a whopping one-fourth don’t do it.

Dr. Schwartz believes that the most important observation made from the study is that sexuality is important throughout one’s lifespan. “People have to take care of their relationship and not put it on automatic pilot,” she says.

Bringing Sexuality Out of the Closet

With the graying of America’s population, it is now time to bring senior sexuality out of the closet. We must accept the fact that sexuality continues throughout the human life-span, and encompasses more than just intimate sexual intercourse. It also includes cuddling, a tender kiss, a light touch on the shoulder, or holding hands, as noted in The Normal Bar.

A well-known song, “As Time Goes By,” reminds us sexuality is to be experienced by both young and old. “You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, the fundamental things apply, as time goes by.”

For more info about The Normal Bar, to take the Normal Bar survey or to purchase the book, go to http://www.thenormalbar.com.

Herb Weiss, LRI ’12, is a Pawtucket-based freelance writer covering aging, health care and medical issues. He can be reached at hweissri@aol.com.

A Tale of 2 Couples

Finding Love and Romance Later in Life

Published in Senior Digest in February 2005

When young couples recite, “Till death do us part,” they expect their marriages will last for the rest of their lives.

The reality is that many don’t for a variety of reasons, including divorce. And as the divorce rate continues to climb, the number of single aging baby boomers and seniors continues to increase.

Citing the U.S. Census Bureau, a September 2003 article in AARP The Magazine states, “Of the 97 million Americans who are 45 and over, almost 40 percent — 36.2 million – are on the loose.

The dating scene for those singles can be daunting, stressful, especially for the ones who are rusty in the art of dating. Newly uncoupled older persons quickly realize that the rules have changed over the years. And singles in their 60s or 70s may find it more difficult to connect with a partner if they have chronic disorders.

Sometimes fate – “being in the “right place at the right time” – is what it takes to bring single seniors together. Independent radio producer, writer and speaker Connie Goldman can attest to that.

Five years ago, Goldman, 74, reconnected with 77-year-old Ken Tilsen, a retired lawyer who teaches at Hamline University Law School, located in the Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minn., area. A divorcee, Goldman went back to the Minneapolis area (her birth place) for a book signing at nearby Stillwater. Tilson’s daughter, who owned the bookstore, brought her widow father to the event to meet the author.

Goldman had almost 20 years of marriage under her belt before her divorce. Tilsen became a widower after a half century of marriage. While they were married, Goldman, Tilsen and their respective spouses socialized with each other in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area.

“We were all having babies and I knew his wife,” Goldman remembers.

A stint at the Washington, DC-based National Public Radio would take Goldman away from Minnesota. Ultimately, she would relocate to Southern California to pursue her career in radio. Tilsen stayed in the Midwest, practicing law.

After their reunion at the bookstore, Goldman would later return to the area for another visit. A six-hour lunch would propel the couple into a long distance relationship.

Daily telephone calls, emails and trips back and forth between the Twin Cities area and Southern California, would finally push the older couple to make a late life commitment to live together, bringing Goldman back from the West Coast.

Joining the almost 10 million older couples cohabiting in 2000, Goldman and Tilsen would not legalize their relationship. “Getting married was just too complicated,” she said, “in figuring out how to put all the finances together. We’re as committed as if we were married.”

Goldman says that a lot of thought must be given to taking on a committed relationship win your later years. “You don’t have long life in front of you, it is not like your’e mating at a younger age. People in their 70s have to look realistically at a shorter life span,” she says, adding that when one partner becomes ill, the other takes on the role of a caregiver.

“You need to look at the changes that aging brings when you get into a later life relationship,” suggests Goldman. “There are things that will come up that will change the pace of what you do and the way you do things,” she adds, noting that her partner’s recent health problems has slowed them both down.

Being single for 35 years, Goldman was forced to learn to take care of herself and to become independent. With her five-year committed relationship, there would be many lifestyle changes “when it was not just ‘me’ but ‘us'” she says.

While the workplace and church are still the best “traditional” places for aging baby boomers and seniors to meet potential mates, matchmaking services and the Internet are growing in popularity as ways to connect.

During his 20 years of being single, Dr. Ray Whitman, 68, a Rockville, Md. resident has sought to meet the right companion at his yoga organization, through personal ads placed in the Washington Post and Washington Magazine, and by being fixed up.

Another avenue that has been useful for Whitman is the internet. “The internet provides more information about a person and can enable you to find somebody to share your interests,” Whitman tells Senior Digest, noting that he has used internet dating services such as E-Harmony.com and Match.com.

Using E-Harmony.com is a bargain when looking for love, says Whitman. The Internet dating service cost s less than $ 30 a month, less expensive than taking a date to a good restaurant.

Through E-Harmony.com, Whitman met Nancy Monro, 62 about three months ago.

A retired nurse and widow, Monro found it easier to use the service than to begin dating because it provides lot of information about prospective dates as well as a safe way to communicate.

Whitman says the fact that Monro had a stable marriage of 40 years initially attracted him to her. “She was also open to the spiritual dimensions, art and music,” he said.

Deborah Beauvais, who operates a Rehobeth, Mass based company, Empowered Connections (www.lovebyintution.com) has provided matchmaking services to more than 100 people. The former executive health care recruiter established her personalized matchmaking company and used intuition to bring people together.

A newspaper columnist, Beauvais also hosts Love Bites on WARL 1320 in Providence. The show is one hour, and it covers a myriad of relationship and dating issues.

While she believes that people can misrepresent themselves on Internet dating services, she spends a lot of time trying to weed out information to find that “perfect match.”

“I meet with people and I look them in the eye, asking the over 50 personal questions,” Beauvais shares. Questions range from how they feel about dating people with children, smoking, pets, politics and sex. “People have to be on the same page on sex for the relationship to work,” she says.

For an initial $375 fee, Beauvais will ask her questions and do a simple background check. She even briefs both parties before their date, revealing interesting points to each person. “It is important to give them the do’s and don’ts in conversation,” she says, such as don’t talk angrily about your ex.

“I become their advocate to find the right person within my pool of clients or will identify others that would be a fit,” she says.

For older couples, Beauvais suggests that matchmaking may be the way to get back in the game. However, she warns that it is important to be independent and heal before jumping into a long-term relationship.


An Aging Baby Boomer’s Reflections on Losing a Parent

Published on December 29, 2003, Pawtucket Times

              Last week, Frank M. Weiss, my 89-year-old father, died. While he had been ailing and was well along in years, it was quite a shock to receive the phone call from my sister Mickie that he had died.

               The death of a parent can be considered a major milestone in an aging baby boomer’s life.  In her 264-page book published by Cambridge University Press. Debra Umberson, author of “Death of a Parent: Transition to a New Adult Identity,” says “the death of a parent launches a period of self-realization and the transformations of the adult identity.”

              Umberson, a professor and chair of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin, states a parent’s death is “the turning point in one’s emotional and social lives of adults and can bring changes in how a person views themselves and their relationship with the outside world.”

             A parent’s death creates an “opening that pushes them into the final transition into adulthood, Umberson says.

           Dad’s death did create for me an opportunity for reflection on his life.

            My dad loved his wife, Sally, very much.  Married for more than 62 years, she was the most important person in his life.

            His four children were also very important to him, too.

           Over the years, I remember Dad always telling me on our weekly phone calls how proud he was of Mickie, Nancy, Jim and me.  He also loved his five grandchildren, Leslie, Jennifer, Kim, Stephanie and Jamie, and his three great-grandchildren, Jacquelyn, Allison and Haleigh.

           Dad warmly accepted Justin, Deb and Patty, his children’s son and daughters-in-laws into the Weiss family.

           As a youngster, I remember Dad working hard to support the family.  Although he worked long hours, he would always find time to go to a ball game or just spend time with his kids.

           Fast forward to the adult years.  When my siblings became adults, he would continue to be our biggest fan.

          Even during the ups and downs in our personal and professional careers, Dad was alway there giving us advice, encouragement, support and oftentimes, financial backing.

          Coming from a Jewish heritage, we always joked about how appropriate it was for Dad to be in the “Schmata” business, otherwise known as the clothing business.  He worked for more than 30 years at Colbert Volks, a well-known woman’s clothing store in Dallas, Texas.  He could see a style or trend before it happened, aways predicting what new coat styles would sell in a particular season.

         How ironic, I thought when Mickie informed me that he suddenly died at Colbert Volks, shopping for a present to give to my mother.

          Dad was like the Energizer rabbit – he kept working, working and working. No retirement for this man.  Two years after his bypass surgery, my 70-year old Dad wanted to chart a new course in his career.  he began a second job and worked at C”est Simone, a national manufacturer of women’s appear, until the mid-70s.

         I will always remember:

         Stories of Dad’s childhood. He was a great football player and a Gold Gloves boxer, I was told.

          Shooting hoops in the backyard for ice cream.  He always lost– we always won, getting that double-dipped chocolate ice cream as a prize.

          At restaurants, I remember Dad drinking cup after cup of black coffee, with the decaf coffee never being quite hot enough for  his tastes.

         Dad would touch people in simple ways. He had a roll of Susan B. Anthony dollars, giving out the coins to anyone who crossed his path. “Don’t spend them ,” they’re lucky coins,” he would say.

        My dad was very honest.  Once a coat manufacturer sent him a box containing money hoping to entice  him to purchase  coats from the company. Dad never accepted that money.

         He was a practical joker. I remember being told a story about the day he sat as a very young child, at a street curb and put his leg in front of a truck, daring the vehicle to go.  This particular time the joke was on him – the truck moved, his leg didn’t, and bones in one leg were broken.

       As a teenager, Dad would tip over outhouses throughout his neighborhood.  He would  assure me that nobody was in them.

         Years later, at this sister-in-law’s house in Pikesville, Maryland, Dad walked over to her neighbor’s house and gave his advice on how to plant a tree.  Heeding his advice, the neighbor dug the hole deeper, deeper, and deeper, until the ball of the tree was five feet from the top of the hole. Later a local landscaper would come by and inform the tree planter that the hole was too deep.

        Throughout his long life, Dad cared about people.

       During his Army days, as an officer of the day, he ordered a cook to put cold cuts out for a group of soldiers who came by to eat after being out in the rain all day.  The watery beef stew was not good enough for these guys, he would later tell me.  While his superiors called him on the carpet for that act of kindness, he stood up to the military bureaucracy, demanding them to be accountable to their troops.

        By tapping his business colleagues, Dad would successfully raise money for the AMC Cancer Society to help those battling that dreaded disease.

        Later, he would be recognized by the organization for his fund-raising efforts. For those who know me, perhaps that is where I get my skills in fundraising.

         In thinking back, I thought dad seemed to know that death was near.  A week before he died, in my last phone conversation with him, I sensed he knew he was ready to go.

        Dad had made peace with is life experiences, the good and the bad, telling me that “he had lived a good, prosperous life, had a beautiful wife and was very proud of each child and their accomplishments in their lives.”

        Due to my mother’s Alzheimer’s and his failing health, years ago he was forced to sell and move away from the house he had lived in for more than 50 years, the family  homestead and a place with  happy memories from him.

       In his final days, Dad  was in constant pain and had great difficulty walking. Dad went the way most of us would want to go on December 18, 2003 –very fast and in no pain.

       Over the coming weeks, I am sure that I will continue to process my Dad’s sudden death, a major  milestone in my life.

       I am reminded of this phrase from the movie “Summer of 42”: “Life is made up of small comings and goings – and for everything we take with us – we leave a part of ourselves behind.”

       So true. While Dad’s love may well propel me into adulthood. I can assure you that my memories of him won’t be left behind.

        Herb Weiss is a Pawtucket-based freelance writer covering aging, health care and medical issues.  He can be reached at hweissri@aol.com.