Published in the Pawtucket Times on May 21, 2001

Everyone knows that communication gaps oftentimes occur between teenagers and their parents. According to the findings of a newly released AARP study, this problem also occurs in the later years too, between elderly parents and their adult children.

The AARP study found that most adult children never talk with their elderly parents about their aged-related needs until a crisis occurs.

Of those surveyed, two out of three adult children have never had this conversation with their aging parents.

Additionally, the findings indicated that more adult children and their older parents believed that their parents had a problem that affected their independence.

Moreover, the researchers say that the elderly parents are more than twice as likely as their adult children to say that their offspring had given them no help when they had a problem in the past five years.  While many elderly parents would seek information f rom their adult children about how to live independently, one in three adult children don’t know what type of information to give their parents or even where to locate it.

Grace Lebow, Co.-Director, of Aging Network Services, a nationwide care management service based in Bethesda, Maryland, believes “it’s never too late to open up communication with your elderly parents.”

However, “Many aging baby boomers find it difficult to see their parents age and become less parental to them,” states the clinical social worker specializing in working with older persons.

“Sometimes both older parents and grown children will think they are protecting each other by not addressing delicate subjects such as finances, wills, medical, durable power of attorney, and prepaid funerals,” Lebow tells The Times.

“The longer you avoid discussing these sensitive issues, the harder it will become when a future crisis occurs.”

Adult children often complain that their parents avoid or even refuse any discussions. Meanwhile, even if elderly parents are willing to talk with their adult children, oftentimes it’s the aging baby boomer children who are the ones who are in denial,” Lebow says.

“The adult children must become more receptive to listening to their signals instead of changing the subject and turning off the conversation.” She urges the aging baby boomers to tune in and pick up the parent’s lead.

For both generations, Lebow calls each to “listen to each other and become open for discussion.”

Sometimes a sibling might block needed conversations about age-related issues.

To circumvent this obstacle, consider writing a letter to this sibling and to the elderly parent, Lebow recommends, stating your feelings and how important you consider holding a family meeting to discuss your older parent’s needs.

Or consider bringing in the family friend or professional to get the dialogue jumpstarted, Lebow adds.

“It may even take the personal experiences of a friend of the parent to bring the issues home to both the elderly parent and adult children.”

Professionals, like family physicians or lawyers, who the older person trusts might be brought into the communication impasse as an alley to discuss the importance and the need for taking steps such as signing a living will, durable power of attorney or the need for prepaid funerals.

Aging specialist Nora Jean Levin, quoted in AARP’s brochure “Family Conversations that Help Parents Stay Independent,” notes that a conversation can help “plan for the future.”

She recommends working with older parents to create personal and financial profiles, including information such as the parent’s Social Security numbers, insurance coverage, medical records, and financial status.  By gathering this information, you might uncover current or potential needs for help.

As your older parent’s health and financial needs continue to change over time, continue to keep up your conversations on a regular basis.

To receive a pamphlet, “Family Conversations that Help Parents Stay Independent,” call Betsy L. Draper, of AARP, at 617 723-7600; or for information on Aging Network Services or to order a copy of Coping with Your Difficult Older Parents: A Guide for Stressed Out Children, by Grace Lebow & Barbara Kane, call 301 657-4329.