Finding Love and Romance Later in Life

Published in Senior Digest in February 2005

When young couples recite, “Till death do us part,” they expect their marriages will last for the rest of their lives.

The reality is that many don’t for a variety of reasons, including divorce. And as the divorce rate continues to climb, the number of single aging baby boomers and seniors continues to increase.

Citing the U.S. Census Bureau, a September 2003 article in AARP The Magazine states, “Of the 97 million Americans who are 45 and over, almost 40 percent — 36.2 million – are on the loose.

The dating scene for those singles can be daunting, stressful, especially for the ones who are rusty in the art of dating. Newly uncoupled older persons quickly realize that the rules have changed over the years. And singles in their 60s or 70s may find it more difficult to connect with a partner if they have chronic disorders.

Sometimes fate – “being in the “right place at the right time” – is what it takes to bring single seniors together. Independent radio producer, writer and speaker Connie Goldman can attest to that.

Five years ago, Goldman, 74, reconnected with 77-year-old Ken Tilsen, a retired lawyer who teaches at Hamline University Law School, located in the Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minn., area. A divorcee, Goldman went back to the Minneapolis area (her birth place) for a book signing at nearby Stillwater. Tilson’s daughter, who owned the bookstore, brought her widow father to the event to meet the author.

Goldman had almost 20 years of marriage under her belt before her divorce. Tilsen became a widower after a half century of marriage. While they were married, Goldman, Tilsen and their respective spouses socialized with each other in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area.

“We were all having babies and I knew his wife,” Goldman remembers.

A stint at the Washington, DC-based National Public Radio would take Goldman away from Minnesota. Ultimately, she would relocate to Southern California to pursue her career in radio. Tilsen stayed in the Midwest, practicing law.

After their reunion at the bookstore, Goldman would later return to the area for another visit. A six-hour lunch would propel the couple into a long distance relationship.

Daily telephone calls, emails and trips back and forth between the Twin Cities area and Southern California, would finally push the older couple to make a late life commitment to live together, bringing Goldman back from the West Coast.

Joining the almost 10 million older couples cohabiting in 2000, Goldman and Tilsen would not legalize their relationship. “Getting married was just too complicated,” she said, “in figuring out how to put all the finances together. We’re as committed as if we were married.”

Goldman says that a lot of thought must be given to taking on a committed relationship win your later years. “You don’t have long life in front of you, it is not like your’e mating at a younger age. People in their 70s have to look realistically at a shorter life span,” she says, adding that when one partner becomes ill, the other takes on the role of a caregiver.

“You need to look at the changes that aging brings when you get into a later life relationship,” suggests Goldman. “There are things that will come up that will change the pace of what you do and the way you do things,” she adds, noting that her partner’s recent health problems has slowed them both down.

Being single for 35 years, Goldman was forced to learn to take care of herself and to become independent. With her five-year committed relationship, there would be many lifestyle changes “when it was not just ‘me’ but ‘us'” she says.

While the workplace and church are still the best “traditional” places for aging baby boomers and seniors to meet potential mates, matchmaking services and the Internet are growing in popularity as ways to connect.

During his 20 years of being single, Dr. Ray Whitman, 68, a Rockville, Md. resident has sought to meet the right companion at his yoga organization, through personal ads placed in the Washington Post and Washington Magazine, and by being fixed up.

Another avenue that has been useful for Whitman is the internet. “The internet provides more information about a person and can enable you to find somebody to share your interests,” Whitman tells Senior Digest, noting that he has used internet dating services such as E-Harmony.com and Match.com.

Using E-Harmony.com is a bargain when looking for love, says Whitman. The Internet dating service cost s less than $ 30 a month, less expensive than taking a date to a good restaurant.

Through E-Harmony.com, Whitman met Nancy Monro, 62 about three months ago.

A retired nurse and widow, Monro found it easier to use the service than to begin dating because it provides lot of information about prospective dates as well as a safe way to communicate.

Whitman says the fact that Monro had a stable marriage of 40 years initially attracted him to her. “She was also open to the spiritual dimensions, art and music,” he said.

Deborah Beauvais, who operates a Rehobeth, Mass based company, Empowered Connections (www.lovebyintution.com) has provided matchmaking services to more than 100 people. The former executive health care recruiter established her personalized matchmaking company and used intuition to bring people together.

A newspaper columnist, Beauvais also hosts Love Bites on WARL 1320 in Providence. The show is one hour, and it covers a myriad of relationship and dating issues.

While she believes that people can misrepresent themselves on Internet dating services, she spends a lot of time trying to weed out information to find that “perfect match.”

“I meet with people and I look them in the eye, asking the over 50 personal questions,” Beauvais shares. Questions range from how they feel about dating people with children, smoking, pets, politics and sex. “People have to be on the same page on sex for the relationship to work,” she says.

For an initial $375 fee, Beauvais will ask her questions and do a simple background check. She even briefs both parties before their date, revealing interesting points to each person. “It is important to give them the do’s and don’ts in conversation,” she says, such as don’t talk angrily about your ex.

“I become their advocate to find the right person within my pool of clients or will identify others that would be a fit,” she says.

For older couples, Beauvais suggests that matchmaking may be the way to get back in the game. However, she warns that it is important to be independent and heal before jumping into a long-term relationship.