Tag Archives for coping

Tips on coping with the friendship recession

By Herb Weiss,

Published in RINewsToday on April 14, 2025

In the midst of the global pandemic, the May 21 American Perspective Survey (APS) revealed a significant shift in how Americans experience and maintain friendships. The findings, dubbed the “friendship recession,” showed that Americans—especially adult men—reported having fewer close friendships than in the past, talked to their friends less often, and relied less on them for personal support.

According to APS data, the percentage of U.S. adults who report having no close friends has quadrupled to 12% since 1990. Meanwhile, the number of those with ten or more close friends has dropped nearly threefold. For decades, Americans consistently spent about 6.5 hours per week with friends, but between 2014 and 2019, that number dropped to just four hours weekly.

The U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 report, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, along an array of scientific research studies, confirmed that social isolation, loneliness, and difficulty forming or maintaining personal relationships take a toll on both mental and physical health—contributing to increased risks of depression, anxiety, heart disease, and even premature death.

Daniel Cox, director of the Survey Center on American Life, as well as media outlets such as The New York Times and scores of newspapers across the nation, Fox News, PBS, and online platforms, have helped to popularize the term “friendship recession” and raise awareness about its impact on society.

More recently, author and acclaimed podcaster Mel Robbins has brought this issue further into the cultural spotlight by connecting it to the everyday emotional struggles of adults trying to build and maintain meaningful friendships.

Robbins is a #1 New York Times best-selling author and a world-renowned expert on mindset, motivation, and behavior change, whose work has been translated into 50 languages. With millions of books sold, seven #1 Audible titles, and billions of video views.

Robbins, known for her TEDxSF talk “How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over,” and books such as The Let Them Theory, The 5 Second Rule, and The High 5 Habit, delves into the challenges of adult friendships in episode 262 of The Mel Robbins Podcast, which aired on February 10, 2025. titled Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It.

The Challenge of Adult Friendships

Robbins observes that many adults feel lonely, isolated, or disconnected—frequently asking themselves, “Where did all my friends go?” She notes, “It does feel impossible to make adult friends.”

In the one-hour-and-seventeen-minute episode, Robbins introduces the concept of the “Great Scattering”—the period following college graduation when people begin pursuing different life paths, often relocating to other cities for work. Unlike childhood, where friendships are easily formed through school classrooms, on the sports field, or extracurriculars, adulthood lacks these built-in social environments.

According to Robbins, the friendship recession isn’t the result of personal shortcomings or antisocial tendencies, but rather the outcome of systemic factors. These include frequent relocations, job transitions, demanding work schedules, and prioritizing family life which can leave little time to nurture or form new friendships. As people age, increasing responsibilities further reduce the time available to build new social bonds.

Robbins also highlights a decline in church attendance, participation in social and civic clubs, and neighborhood gatherings reducing opportunities to meet potential friends. Meanwhile, she says that heavy reliance on social media and texting has further eroded face-to-face interactions, exacerbating the problem.

The Three Pillars of Friendship

Robbins outlines three key elements necessary for creating deep, lasting adult friendships:

1. Proximity: Physical closeness is essential for building bonds. Robbins cites an MIT study showing that proximity—how often you see or “bump into” someone—is the single most important factor in forming friendships. “To create great friendships, you’ve got to spend time with people,” she says.

2. Timing: Shared life stages and experiences—such as parenting, career demands, or health challenges—can support the growth of friendships. While workplace proximity might exist, friendships don’t always develop because “everybody’s all over the place and interested in different things,” Robbins explains.

3. Authenticity and Energy (the “Vibe”): Mutual energy or chemistry matters. “You either feel this thing with somebody or you don’t—and you can’t force it,” she says. “If the energy is off, it’s off.”

Building strong friendships takes time and effort, says Robbins. Research indicates that it takes about 50 hours of interaction to become casual friends, around 90 hours to become good friends, and more than 200 hours to become best friends.

She also encourages listeners to embrace her “Let Them Theory,” which promotes releasing control over others’ actions and focusing instead on your own responses. “This whole notion that you’ve got best friends for life—it’s a modern construct that actually sets us up to fail,” Robbins states. Adults, she says, must accept that people change, move on, and form new social circles. “Let them live their lives,” she advises. “Let them move, change, not invite you. Let them have a social life without you.”

Friendships may drift, and that’s okay. Robbins urges people not to take others’ actions personally and to focus instead on being the kind of friend they themselves would want.

Simple Tips for Making New Friends

“It’s on you to make time for friendships,” says Robbins. She offers several practical tips:

• Take initiative: Reach out with a simple message to reconnect or start a conversation.
• Be consistent: Regular interactions, even brief ones, help build trust and familiarity over time.
• Find common ground: Join clubs or groups aligned with your interests to meet like-minded individuals.
• Be open: Sharing personal experiences helps forge deeper bonds—but know that not every interaction will result in a lasting friendship, and that’s perfectly fine.

Robbins’ episode provides insight into why adult friendships can be difficult to maintain, along with tools to overcome these challenges. By following her strategies, individuals can counteract the effects of the friendship recession and cultivate meaningful connections.

To listen to Robbins’ podcast episode, Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It, visit: https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-262

The Mel Robbins Podcast releases two new episodes every Monday and Thursday, focusing on motivation, self-improvement, and overcoming obstacles—often grounded in Robbins’ personal experiences. To explore the full podcast library, now over 280 episodes, visit: www.melrobbins.com/podcast.

Robbins introduces The Let Them Theory, a book providing a groundbreaking approach to reclaiming your life by focusing on what you can control and releasing what you can’t. For book details and purchase info, go to  https://www.melrobbins.com/letthemtheory.

Herb Weiss, LRI ‘12, is a Pawtucket-based writer who has covered aging, healthcare, and medical issues for over 45 years. To purchase his books, including Taking Charge: Collected Stories on Aging Boldly and its two sequels, visit herbweiss.com.

Coping with the holiday blues can be a challenge

Published in the Pawtucket Times on December 14, 2015 

Chestnuts roasting in your fireplace, green wreaths with red ribbons and brightly colored lights on decorated evergreen trees may elicit pleasant thoughts about the upcoming holidays; however, these thoughts might just tear open old wounds and bring to the surface bad memories, triggering stress, tension and even depression.

Not every family gathering with your parents, siblings, children, or grandchildren will be as serene as a Norman Rockwell painting. Of course, everyone has heard horror stories involving holiday family gatherings.

Surviving the stress of family visits

Allison Bernier, LICSW, associate director of Wellness Employment and Network Services, at the Providence Center, notes that while the holiday season can be a time of family celebration, joy, and companionship for many people, it can also be a very stressful time. “High expectations, disrupted routines, dealing with loss or separation from loved ones, financial strain, and time constraints can all exacerbate anxiety and depression,” she says.

Bernier, who has 15 years under her belt employed as a social worker, who now provides one-to-one counseling to clients for the past six years, provides common sense tips as to how to survive stress that can be ignited by holiday family gathering.

Fighting holiday blues can be as simple as being prepared for family conflicts and having a specific plan to handle the uncomfortable emotions that may arise, notes Bernier. Creating a list of “potential issues” and “role playing how you will react with people you trust” can be effective
ways to survive difficulties that might occur, she says.

“It is okay to know that you don’t have to be happy during the holidays,” states Bernier, stressing “just accept your feelings and the place where you are at.” If needed, just reach out to your network of family or friends or contact a professional, she recommends.

According to Bernier, when expectations are unrealistic, we almost always will fail to meet them. Scale back on your plans, or ask for help Just keep your expectations low and when you visit family or friends, just go and enjoy the social interactions, she says.

If seeing family causes you great amounts of stress each year, it is alright to say no sometimes and celebrate with friends, Bernier recommends. If you don’t want to withdraw from your family gathering because of tension, you don’t have to, she says.

“Just keep your visit time-limited,” she recommends, only going for an hour or two rather than spending all day at the event.

The holidays can easily become a source of stress, especially when you’re standing in long lines at the local mall waiting to buy the last available iPad while trying to remember how much money you have left to use on your credit cards. Writing out a gift list along with creating a budget for holiday spending can help decrease anxiety, too, Bernier notes. By setting spending limits you will also reduce the anxiety that comes with reviewing your post-holiday credit card bills.

Maintaining healthy habits can also take the blues out of your holiday, predicts Bernier. Enjoy some eggnog, cheese cake or pastries at a holiday party, but keep the balance by eating healthy foods (smaller portions), drinking alcohol in moderation, continuing to exercise and getting enough rest.

Coping with holiday depression

Besides family stress, other factors may well play into bringing on the holiday blues.

During this time of the year, some Rhode Islanders may even feel a little depressed or have suicidal thoughts with the approaching upcoming festive holidays, especially if they have lost a spouse and friends, are unemployed, experiencing painful chronic illnesses, or just feel isolated from others.

If this happens, “feeling low with nowhere to turn,” as noted singer and songwriter Bill Withers says is a public service announcement, there is a place to call — The Samaritans of Rhode Island — where trained volunteers “are there to listen.” Incorporated in 1977, the Pawtucket-based nonprofit program is dedicated to reducing the occurrence of suicide by befriending the despairing and lonely throughout the state’s 39 cities and towns.

Since the inception, The Samaritans has received more than 500,000 calls and trained more 1,380 volunteers to answer its confidential and anonymous Hotline/Listening Lines.

With the first Samaritan branch started in England in 1953, chapters can now be found in more than 40 countries of the world. “Samaritans, can I help you?” is quietly spoken into the phone across the world in a multilingual chorus of voices,” notes its web site.

Executive Director Denise Panichas, of the Rhode Island branch, notes that the communication-based program teaches volunteers to effectively listen to people who are in crisis.

Conversations are free, confidential and, most importantly, anonymous.

A rigorous 21-hour training program teaches volunteers to listen to callers without expressing personal judgments or opinions. Panichas said that the listening techniques called “befriending,” calls for 90 percent listening and 10 percent talking.

Panichas noted The Samaritans of Rhode Island Listening Line is also a much needed resources for caregivers and older Rhode Islanders.

Other services include a peer-to-peer grief Safe Place Support Group for those left behind by suicide as well as community education programs.

In 2011, The Samaritans of Rhode Island received more than 7,000 calls and hosted more than 50,000 visitors to its website.

The Samaritans of Rhode Island can be the gateway to care or a “compassionate nonjudgmental voice on the other end of the line,” Panichas notes. “It doesn’t matter what your problem is, be it depression, suicidal thoughts, seeking resources for mental health services in the community or being lonely or just needing to talk, our volunteers are there to listen.”

For persons interested in more information about suicide emergencies, The Samaritans website, http://www.samaritansri.org, has an emergency checklist as well as information by city and town including Blackstone Valley communities from Pawtucket to Woonsocket.

Professional galley and gift shop supports program and services

In December 2011, The Samaritans began a social venture, by relocating to the City of Pawtucket’s Arts & Entertainment District, and opening the Forget-Me-Not Gallery and Community Education Center. Through partnerships with Rhode Island’s fine arts and crafts community, “we hope to foster hope, inspiration and commemoration of the lives of our loved ones who have fallen victim to suicide,” stated Panichas.

At the Forget-Me-Not Gallery, no sales taxes are charged on one-of-a-kind pieces of art work. The gallery also is a retail site for Rhode Island-based Alex and Ani jewelry and other giftware.

For those seeking to financially support the programs of The Samaritans of Rhode Island, its Gallery and Education Center is available to rent for special events, meetings and other types of occasions. For information on gallery rental, call the Samaritans business line at 401-721-5220; or go to http://www.samaritansri.org.

Need to Talk? Call a volunteer at The Samaritans. Call 401-272-4044 or toll free in RI (1-800) 365-4044.