The Best Of…The Challenges of Caring for Your Aging Parent

Published July 3, 2008,  All Pawtucket All The Time

          It’s not easy being a parent.  Combine this with being a primary caregiver for an aging frail relative and you work a 48 hour day.  Sixty year old Karen Sciolto, like many of her aging baby boomer peers, took on care giving responsibilities in her mid-fifties.

           Five years earlier, the Scituate resident began her experience of taking care of frail adults by working as a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA).  “You really had to physically be able to move a person around and help to meet their emotional needs,” she stated.  She acknowledges that she was “sort of a jack-of-all-trades” and had to “know a little bit about a lot of things.”

          With her CNA job, Sciolto knew that the caregiver role and responsibilities in her family would ultimately fall upon her shoulders because her parents, even relatives were getting older.  “Very soiled long-john underwear discovered after the visit to an emergency room and a later inspection of the uncle’s house revealed “cockroaches and filth.”  He just could not take care of himself, she said.   Scattered piles of newspapers mingled with important papers and money found hidden in holes in his mattress pushed the niece in 2000 to become a caregiver for her 87-year-old uncle whose physical and mental health were deteriorating. 

         For six years, Sciolto was the solo caregiver of her uncle.  She would drop him off each day to the local senior center to give him physical, emotional and social stimulation.  The aging baby boomer would also juggle a variety of daily tasks — CNA assignments, housework, along with raising her daughter and caring for three horses.  “As a caregiver my whole life, revolved around meeting his needs,” she said. 

       Many times she was overwhelmed with the stress of providing 24 hour a day care for her frail uncle.  “You were lucky if you went to bed and could get a good nights sleep,” she added. 

A Generational Experience…

         According to Roberta Hawkins, Executive Director of the  Alliance for Better Long-Term Care, Sciolto’s care giving experiences are not unique but common to thousands of aging baby boomers in Rhode Island.  

         Rhode Island’s most visible aging advocate, who has led this nonprofit agency for over 32 years, understands care giving both on a personal and professional level.  In her sixties, Hawkins looks back at her personal experiences. In her younger days she took care of grandparents while raising her young daughter. In recent years, Hawkins would raise her grandchildren while providing care to her disable husband.

        Hawkins warns aging baby boomers “not to take on [responsibilities] that you can’t do.”  Know your abilities and also your limitations, she says.  “You really need to think clearly if you are the right person who can provide that care.”

        “Often times, adult children will feel guilty if they do not take care of their disabled parents,” observes Hawkins. “This may not be the right move due to their responsibility of raising children.  They may have limited patience to deal with the changing health care needs and personality of their older parent.”   

        If older parent and child did not get along in their earlier years, care giving just won’t work,” Hawkins says.  “There won’t be the patience or the connection needed to provide care in peace and harmony.”

 Every Day and Night

          “Care giving is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job,” Hawkins says. “Even if you bring in outside caregivers during the day you will still have to deal with nighttime and weekends,” she says.  “Nobody is happy” with household stress.  This may push the older person into withdrawing more into themselves so they become less of a burden to their adult children.   

          Sending your older parent to a senior center or day care site might not be the most appropriate strategy,” Hawkins adds.  “If the person was not a friendly or a social person, attending day care will not be a very happy experience,” she says.

         Meanwhile, Hawkins says that some problems may also surface if an adult child hires an outside caregiver to keep their aging parent at home.  “The older parent may be a mistrustful person and not want a stranger coming into their own home. This person may resent the fact that their children won’t be there for them and this can result in continuous complaints about the caregiver,” she says.

       “Before hiring an outside caregiver or becoming one yourself, always have a very frank discussion with the older person about your decision,” Hawkins recommends.  Conversations should begin before a health issue forces an adult child or spouse to make this decision without the wishes and desires of their older parent being known, she adds.

       Also, when the time comes to consider placement in an assisted living or nursing home facility, it becomes crucial for the older person to be included in the decision making process.  “Give them all the pros and cons for each and every decision,” Hawkins says.  “Match the older person to the place they are going to live in, not the other way around.”

Promises Made, Promises Broken

       Finally, caregivers must give themselves some time off to recharge their batteries.  “If there are siblings around be adamant that they help take care of their older parent, too” she tells aging baby boomers shouldering the care giving responsibilities.  “Everyone promises but they tend to be too busy with their lives to give any assistance,” she says.

       Sadly, Hawkins brings up the old saying “One mother can bring up five children but five children may not take care of the mom.”  So, true, she says, noting “I see it all the time.”

       Herb Weiss is a Pawtucket-based freelance writer covering aging, medical and health care issues.  The article was published in the July 3, 2008, All Pawtucket All The Time.  He can be reached at hweissri@aol.com.

Your Later Years: Death Takes Two American Icons

Published in All Pawtucket All the Time on June 27, 2008

In recent weeks, office conversations shifted from the Celtic’s win, the Boston Red Sox games, and Democratic candidate Obama’s run for presidency to focus on the untimely deaths of two  national  icons in the entertainment and broadcast industry.  Baby boomers were shocked when a sudden heart attack, on June 13th, took the life of 58 year-old Tim Russert.  They were even more dismayed when George Carlin, the comedic voice of their generation, died 9 days later.

“Did you take your daily aspirin? Or “how high is your  cholesterol?” or “blood pressure?” were questions swiring around the water cooler.  Many of the Pepsi generation figured that if a youthful-looking broadcast journalist, Russert or and older Carlin,” America’s Funny Man” suddently died of heart disease it might halppen to them, too.

Making Their Marks in the World

Russert, a resident of Northwest Washington, was one of the nation’s most visible baby boomers, serving for almost 17 years as Managing Editor and Moderator of the highly acclaimed “Meet the Press” and political anayyst for “NBC Nightly News.”

In his early politicl creer as a lawyer, russert worked as a special council to Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New York, and as a conunsel to Gov. Mario M. Como of New York.

A lifelong Buffalo Bills Football fan, Russert, a practicing Catholic, wrote an autobiography Big Russ and Me in 2004, a book about growing up in South Buffalo and the importance of his hardworking father, a World War II veteran who worked two jobs after the war to support his family. Russert’s father taught him the significance of family values and never to take the short cut to accomplish a goal. A book, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons, published one year later would incorporate letters received from his fans in response to his first book about their own experiences with their fathers.

Russert also received 48 honorary doctorates and racked up scores of awards for his journalistic reporting.

On June 22nd, an irrervent standup comedian, George Carlin, 71, whose cutting social commentary and assute summation of life, who oftentimes stretched both the boundaries of free speech died of heart failure in Santa Monica, California.

Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” comedy routine was key to a 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case, F.C.C. v Pacifica Foundation, in which a narrow majority ruled the government has a right to regulate “indecent” material on the public airways.

During his long life, the very hip Carlin was recognized for his cutting edge comedy by receiving two America Comedy Awards, the Funniest Male Performer in a TV Special (1997 and 1998) and the Lifetime Achievement Award in Comedy (2001).

Carline was the first host of Saturday Night Live. He made countless television appearances during his career.  As a prolific writer, Carlin wrote five books and produced 23 comedy records, winning four Grammy Awards. Throughout his career wit/word play, political satire and black comedy would be woven into his monologues performed in major nightclubs and theaters in New York and Los Vegs. He also starred in 14 HBO comedy specials.  Recently he received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor and was to receive the award at the Kennedy Center in November 2008.

Touching Lives

Lars Platt, 51, of Platt Realty Group, and  his wife Carrie, a television producer, were shocked with the sudden passing of Russert. “He was so close to our age,” Platt says, noting that his wife had worked with him, too.

Platt said that the unanticipated death of “an icon in the news reporting and broadcast industry,” made the Providence couple think of their mortality and “how important it is to be present in everday life.”

Carlin’s passing also put “a chink in my armor, too,” says Platt. “His humor was part of the fabric of my life growing up.”

Forty-year old Matt Thomas, Manager of Doherty’s East Avenue Café, remembers secretly listening to Carlin’s routine ion a transistor radio in six grade.  Thomas, laughing so hard because of the humor caught the attention of his parents who promptly confiscated his radio, sending him immediately to bed.  Fast forward to his early adult years, Thomas would subscribe to HBO Cable when Carlin’s Specials were scheduled ultimately canceling his cable contract after watching it.

Thomas, who considers himself Carlin’s biggest fan in Pawtucket, attended the comedian’s last theater performance last week in Las Vegas. “It was tremendous,” he said, joking how his sides hurt when he walked out after the show. “He had a lot of fun on the state and even put in a few new bits into his routine.”

As to his impact on society Thomas will always remember Carlin as someone who “shed the light into dark corners that people did not want to look at.”

“If you talked to any comic, they worshiped the ground he walked on,” Thomas said. “He really opened up a lot of doors for others to come through.”  Carlin took the comedic torch when Lenny Bruce died , Thomas says. “We’ll just have to see who will pick that torch up now.”

With their premature deaths, bereaved colleagues, friends, and family members went on the nation’s airways to publicity tout Russert and Carlin’s personal and professional accomplishments. Statements after they died were posted on hundreds of websites and printed in tens of thousands of articles. It is my hope that America’s Journalist and Comedian heard these praises when they were alive.

Your Later Years: A Commencement Speech for the Graduates of 2008

Published in All Pawtucket All the Tie on June 13, 2008

College graduates, you live in interesting times.  Gas prices are spiraling out of control, now heading past $ 4.00 per gallon.  Like a growing number of Americans, Ed McMahon, who appeared for decades as Johnny Carson’s sidekick on NBC’s Tonight Show, is today fighting to avoid bank foreclosure on his multimillion dollar house in Beverly Hills. Rhode Island’s economy is now in a recession and state-wide unemployment is up. The nation is still at war in Iraq. What sage advice can be given to you as graduates for a more hopeful and promising future?

This month, throughout the state’s Colleges and Universities the Class of 2008 sit and listen to commencement speeches, given by well-know lawmakers, judges, television personalities and CEOs, about how they can personally overcome current  economic and policy challenges that our nation faces.  These graduates are also given tips that might assist them in having a rewarding personal and professional life.

Some advice for 2008 Graduates

Here I sit with a written commencement speech but no place to go.  But in a heart beat if I was to give you my thoughts to the class of 2008, I would urge them to age gracefully and not fight against it.  Aging baby boomers, the dwindling members of the Pepsi Generation, still grasp onto their youth, fearing the onset of wrinkles, sagging stomachs, and gray hair.  As you move into middle age and beyond, learn to see life as a journal, do not dwell on the final destination.

Years ago my late father gave me “Life’s Little Instruction Book.” At that time, this book was listed as a bestseller by The New York Times, and gave readers 511 suggestions, observations and reminders on how to live a rewarding later years. I give you my version of this book, which I can hopefully provide you simple tips and a road map throughout your later stag es as to how one might age gracefully.

In facing life’s challenges, focus on the positive.   You make dily choices as to how you will tackle and re act to life’s problems. Remember you can see the proverbial glass as “half-full” or “half empty.”  A positive attitude becomes important to successfully age.

Forgive Yourself and Others

As we grow older, it becomes so easy to continually reflect on our successes and focus more on the bad hands we are dealt throughout our lives.  Each and every day, savor your personal and professional victories, but always forgive yourself for your defeats and failures.

Don’t live in the past, live in the present, but keep your eye on the future.  Time flies by swiftly, in the blink of an eye. A spiritual teachers once told her followers to view one’s life as a cancelled check.  Let go of those past regrets and mistakes you made in your childhood and those you will make in your middle years. Learn to forgive yourself for passing up opportunities.  There is just not enough time left to carry the burdens of past guilt or grudges.

If you can forgive yourself, it is rucial for you to forgive others, even those who hurt you personally and professionally.  You cannot live or reconcile your life peacefully if you are still holding on the grudges , anger and bitterness, all tied to past actions.

As you grow older and accumulate life experiences, don’t be afraid to share your life story with others, especially with younger people who can benefit from it.  You will have a huge reservoir of untapped wisdom gained through life’s trials.  As a parent and later a grandparent, share your insights and lessons you have learned throughout the cyclical ups and downs of your life.  The generations following you will be at a loss if you choose to be silent and keep your knowledge from them.

Use it or lose it.  “Stay as physically active as you can,” URI Gerontologist Phil Clark once told me.  He said,” if you rest, you rust.”  Physical exercise elevates our modd and benefits your cardiovascular system.

Aging research also tells us that you must also exercise your brain.  Make time to read your newspapers, magazines, and books. Spend some time working on a challenging crossword pussle, or play chess.

See the bigger picture of life. Engage in daily acts of loving kindness to others.  Research tells us that volunteer work can be a protective buffer from the curve ball that life may throw our way as we age.

Keep up you social contacts and personal connections with others.  When you require help, always ask for it.  Don’t be afraid of asking your family, friends, and colleagues for support and assistance. There wil always be opportunities for you to help and care for others, too.

Enjoy Simplicity in Your Life

Learn to slow down and enjoy the simple moments of your life.  Author Connie Goldman notes that the simple act of watching a beautiful sunrise or sunset or even puttering around your garden can be as stimulating as a jam-packed calendar of activities.

There are no sure bets in life except death, taxes and growing old.  So, Class 2008, make the most of life.  Embrace your later years and go for the gusto.  Enjoy your journey.